My Mother, the Cheerleader

!±8± My Mother, the Cheerleader

Recently I have been thinking about my mother. She was born in 1911 and grew up to have four children who have all managed to live their lives within the confines of society's basic requirements: that is, we've raised families, we've paid taxes, we never went to jail. In truth, we've done more than just the basics. Two of my siblings have long and successful careers in law enforcement, my other sibling has a successful career in the arts, and I have had a successful career in business. All of us got through college and, in part, because of this, we all managed to make good lives for ourselves and our families.

Three of us actually had both the ability to go on to college and the desire to do so, the other one, had neither real academic ability or desire, but he got his diploma anyway and it was this diploma that opened the doors necessary for him to achieve the success he's had professionally. Actually, still speaking of this sibling, he did not need a degree to enter his field and he did not need his degree to advance in his career, but he did need to complete college to prove to himself that he could do whatever it was he made up his mind to do.

My sibling who has proved herself in the arts overcame a lot to arrive at the success she's had. She was the family "wild child". She was the one who broke the rules, ran off to Europe when she was just 18; scandalized the family by moving in with a lover at about that same age; she was the one who experimented with drugs and alcohol.

The sibling who I described above as being the least academically minded of us all, finally managed to complete his education. However, he first ran off and joined the army (at 18) because he saw no other way to avoid going on to college after high school and he didn't have the courage, at that age, to simply say no to either my father or my mother. This would have been ok, except that this was at the height of the Viet Nam war and his action bought him a ticket to the war zone.

My youngest sibling's life was probably the least problematic of us all, but even he had his wild and hippie period with his hair down his back and his surf board on the hood of his beat up car, he left home, at 18, to go to college, and never stepped foot back into the house, except to visit, from that day on.

I, too, ran off at 18, made a disastrous marriage, brought two kids into the world and then, after my kids were born, finally grew up and settled down; completed college, supported myself and the kids and found success in business.

Now, why do I tell you all these things? I tell you because I've finally figured out why we all made it through life OK. The reason: my mother, our mother, was a cheerleader.

My mother never went to college; she never worked outside the house. My mother stayed in a difficult marriage and put up a good front so that no one, outside the family, ever knew that her smiled was covering up a lot of pain. If my mother had gone to college, she would have graduated summa cum laude, she would have gone on to become the first woman president of the United States. She was simply the smartest and funniest person I have ever known. She educated herself in the arts, history, politics and sports and could talk knowledgeably about any of these subjects, if anyone gave her a chance to show what she knew. Unfortunately, we rarely did. Nor did we give her credit for holding our family together so that we could enjoy the life of a good middle class family complete with a vacation summer home and no worries about our futures. Not only did I not give her credit for that, I pitied and scorned her for putting up with a difficult marriage thus making all of the above possible for us. She put our good and happiness above her own and she unfailingly supported us and cheered us on. Her confidence in our abilities was, and is, the basis for the confidence we have in ourselves and in our abilities.

It's taken me years to realize that in addition to making our lives happy and materially secure as children, she laid the foundation for the successes we've achieved as adults. She was a cheerleader.

My mother believed in us, she believed each and every one of her children was bright, beautiful, athletic and smart and she told us so every day of our lives. Not only did she tell us all these things, she told everyone else that would listen to her that we were all these things and more. And she would not take no for an answer from us. Of course we would take music lessons; of course we would do whatever it was we told her, as children, that we wanted to do.

My sister would be an artist and my mother took her to New York City so that she could take the test for the premier high school in the city for young aspiring artists and she would rein in her worries when my 13 year old sister set out, each day, to take the train into the city to go to that school.

She allowed my academically disinterested, but fantastically athletic brother, to go by bus, after school each day, to the downtown YMCA to get the swimming instruction he wanted to join his team. And she did this, despite her fear of allowing him to make the trip because that's what he wanted to do and because, I believe, she realized that he needed this athletic success to even the playing field at home since the rest of us always did so well in school. She reined in her fear when he told her at 16 that he had gotten a summer job as a lifeguard at a New York City beach (lying about his age and thus making him what may be the youngest lifeguard the city ever employed).

She encouraged my youngest brother to get a job delivering papers when he was 11 because that's what he wanted to do and thereby, she gave him the courage to go out on his own after high school and live independently while pursuing his college education.

And she encourage me, her eldest, to picked myself up, by the boots straps after my marriage failed to go back to school and find a way to make a life for myself and my children entirely on my own. And I did. Without any help except for what I could do for myself. I worked, raised my kids and graduated from school at the head of my class.

Now, I think I must also tell you that my mother wasn't only our cheerleader; she was our role model although it's taken me years to recognize this. My mother, who never did anything more than raise her children, was a role model. She modeled selflessness, the ability to put postpone our wants for the benefit of those that need us; she modeled optimism in the face of daunting circumstances, she demonstrated faith when things seemed hopeless, she demonstrated humor and showed us how to laugh when there didn't seem to be anything to laugh about, she showed us how to love selflessly, she showed us how to persevere, she showed us how to prevail, she demonstrated courage and made us tough. She showed us how to live life fully and joyfully.

So why am I writing this, what's this to you? Well, if you read this and you recognize your mother too, maybe you should tell her.

If I am half the person, woman, friend and mother that my mother was, I will count myself a success. My mother was a cheerleader and I am writing this for her because now I am her cheerleader.